Writings

I write about the parts I haven't figured out yet.

Mental illness. Addiction. Sex and intimacy. The strange work I do now, and the men I meet doing it. Some of it is about losing a life I thought was permanent. Some is about building whatever came next.

I write under my own name because I've already spent enough time pretending the difficult parts didn't happen.

Losing Your Voice

During a manic episode, I wrote 168,000 words to my fiancé in 75 days. He wrote back a fraction of that. This is what those words cost us.

5 min read

The RentMen Problem

I advertise massage on an escorting website. That comes with assumptions about what I do, who I am, and what people are actually paying for.

7 min read

The Men Who Hire Me

The men who hire me come looking for different things. Often, what they need most is something harder to advertise: companionship, intimacy, and human connection.

5 min read

The Letter

During a manic episode, I wrote a letter I believed would change everything. It did, just not in any of the ways I intended.

4 min read

Why I Write

After mental illness, other people had plenty to say about who I was. Writing became a way to tell my own story, on my own terms.

4 min read

The Trade

When depression becomes unbearable, how much would you give up to feel better? A personal examination of electroconvulsive therapy, memory, and the cost of treatment.

5 min read

Maintenance Dose

What began as recreational ketamine use became a daily necessity. An account of addiction, physical dependence, and the point at which getting high stopped being the goal.

7 min read

Jock (Emeritus)

Returning to Grindr meant confronting an older version of myself. An essay about gay identity, body image, aging, and the strange business of recognizing yourself.

6 min read

The Bar

I underwent surgery to correct pectus excavatum, a chest deformity I'd lived with for years. Fixing my body turned out to be more complicated than changing its shape.

7 min read

The Psychiatry Machine

Four hospitalizations, four psychiatrists, and four diagnoses. What happens when the people responsible for explaining your mind can't agree on what's wrong with it?

6 min read

Fault Line at 33

Bipolar disorder arrived after I'd already built a career, a family, and a life. Then, at 33, the foundations of all three began to give way.

6 min read

The Brain Glitch

Mania didn't arrive looking like an illness. It began with energy, confidence, and less sleep, before becoming something I could no longer recognize or control.

4 min read

Writings

Losing Your Voice

The RentMen Problem

The Men Who Hire Me

The Letter

Why I Write

The Trade

Maintenance Dose

Jock (Emeritus)

The Bar

The Psychiatry Machine

Fault Line at 33

The Brain Glitch

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